"If anyone could make me a better person,
-Relient K; Must Have Done Something Right
um... hullo. Insert awkward stiff wave.
As you know, I didn't quite finish the 20 DAY CELEBRITY PHOTO CHALLENGE because it becomes quite boring along the way and I've got no motivation at all to continue the photo challenge. So,
Sis is back from Kansas! It is nice to have her home, getting quiet here without her company. After a half-year of nobody knocking my door early in the morning and waking up a grumpy me, it is quite a nice and refreshing change. Although I am still (and always will be) grumpy whenever she does that. I'm also savoring 6 months where nobody invades my personal space (i.e. my bed!!!), and needless to say, she's always lounging on my bed - and even shooing me. Whut! But still, it's nice to not be doing everything alone :-)
The first several weeks of my (unofficial) school holiday, I spent lazing on my bed and pigging out of everything, doing nothing productive. I eat on my bed. I read on my bed. I play on my bed. I sleep on my bed. Cobwebs were formed on top of my head and my teeth is decaying. Holiday has somehow gotten extremely boring and pointless after I finished watching fresh sets of movie series every day. I began to doubt my existence, and my point of living.
But then sis came home, and it looks like my holiday turned a drastic change - good one, though. Sis, Vivian and I became a member of My Life Gym and uhm... began exercising. I hate it. I loathe it to hell. But what to do, anything is better than getting back to my old boring pattern, and Gym with my Personal Trainer actually started to sound quite good in my head, despite the tender muscles. This morning, I woke up with sore thighs, arms, and back and it hurts so much that it's hard to even turn a goddamn lock. Going down the stairs is no longer an easy task, and my stomach hurts when I laugh. And yet, despite all that, I'm actually looking forward to meeting dear PT tomorrow. Right now I am chanting in my head (with thousands of chipmunk voices) LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT!
Hearing sis talk about her great time in Kansas made me wish I grow older quickly so I can escape from Medan and just go there. Truthfully, I'm getting sick and uninterested in everything (which some people have noticed). It's not like I was being emo or anything, it's just I don't even find it in me to care about anything anymore. Feeling like such a bad and horrible person :-(. I wish I can forget everything some people have done or said that makes me view them differently. I can't even read your tweets without cringing or scowling in distaste anymore! And you used to be such a good friend. It completely annoys me how you've turned into somebody so unlikable. But I guess I can't judge you either, you probably think that I'm completely lame... or whatever. The worst thing is, I don't even hate you! I can't even bring myself to care to hate you. It's like you, along with other people just automatically transferred to a part of my memory that I don't want to recall. Ever. It would be really nice to never see you and your sickening face ever again.
Remember how you used to say that you feel guilty for hating or saying bad things about people? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: just saying that you feel "guilty" doesn't change a thing. Ironically, after you said you felt guilty, you immediately continued writing stuff that actually hurts, I guess you'll never know how that feels because you've never been on the receiving end of it. All the time, you were just throwing and sprinkling hate like freaking fairy dust or something, maybe it does not matter to you because you were the one saying it, but do you even think of the people who you said those things about? At least don't make it too obvious. Please. You don't know how much those hate lower people's self-esteem. Including mine.
Still. Who am I to judge? It's not like I'm the most angelic innocent little angel anyway. I write hateful stuff too. Actually, writing those things above made me feel like a hypocrite, but it's really what I wanted to say. I know a lot of people said stuff like don't talk behind my back, just say it directly to my face or whatever, but think... what if it actually happened? What if I really came to you and say those hateful stuff right to your face? First of all, everything would be mega-awkward and secondly, our relationship would be POOF! ashes, in a matter of seconds. How do you suggest we mend it again? So, despite all those talks of you should be honest with me or just tell me if I did something you don't like, I think that the best way to relieve my extreme disappointment and distaste towards you is this, typing everything on my blog like a chicken. At least after this, I would be able to talk to you like best buds, like nothing happened. Nothing at all. After all, it's just another hate to bury. To never be talked about again.
You know what? I used to genuinely like you. I used to like being around you and talk to you. That was before everything, and I think you know it too. It's like if the real thing is made of glass, ours is made of plastic. Fake. And it will never be broken, because every time it falls, we just pick it up again and pretend nothing happened. Our glass is now probably broken to millions of pieces, and honestly? I don't even want to mend it again. I just wish that you will just disappear. For good. When my anger and frustrations towards you had passed, I realized that it's not the usual petty bitch-hate anymore. More like extremely disappointed, and I'm actually really sad to throw all those years away, but you're a really different person now! Or maybe I've just finished unraveling you and now that I know who you truly are, I'm not sure I want to be around someone like you anymore.
I realize that my argument just kind of collapse on itself, because I write hateful things about people who write hateful things and yeah, maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe I'm two faced. Maybe I'm a hater/ a hateful person. But just don't pretend that you're any better. We both know that you're just as rotten as everyone else, so don't act like you're a saint, cause I sure as hell know that you can't be further away from the definition of saint. You're fucking evil, and you make people feel small and inferior. You're manipulative, and you spurt out lies like breathing out air. You always act like you're innocent and pin all the fault on somebody else. You can't stand not bitching about someone in the worst ways. You don't care about people, not even your friends. You only care about your own interest and what's best for you, and I am thoroughly done with you. I'm pretty sure I'll never feel any kind of friendliness and care towards you anymore. I want to have nothing to do with you ever again. For someone who looks pretty, you sure have a rotten heart. So say whatever you want about me, just know that you're no better.
You sicken me.